Random Thoughts From A Server III


It is time for a return of one of the most popular features on this blog. We all have funny thoughts throughout the course of our shifts. I’ve started writing mine down. Occassionally I share them. They have no cohesive theme or timeline. A server thought of them. That makes them random thoughts from a server. If you enjoyed part one and part two, then this installment might be right up your alley.
PBR has become very trendy with the hipster crowd. Apparently they like things that are overpriced and taste bad. I am buying stock in Boone’s Farm. When it starts selling for $12 a glass at hipster bars I am going to be rich.
Thank you to the organic free range chicken farmers for making chicken no longer the cheapest thing on the menu. Server’s everywhere owe them a Christmas card (or seven small gifts if you prefer.)

My last restaurant was below the headquarters of a large corporation. The young middle managers were often very rude. I bet they would be nicer if they knew I was on a first name basis with their boss’, boss’, boss’ boss.

I had an idea for a blog post I was really excited about. I opened this one first to write that last little quip. Now I can’t remember what I was so excited to write about. I can however tell you the order of a four top I took on Monday night with modifiers. If my brain were a computer, I would reallocate my memory resources.

If you need to catch a flight or a show time that is 40 minutes away, please tell me before I go through the specials so I can change them to tell you about the lovely soup we are serving this evening.

As often as people rave about the bread at different restaurants, you would think bakeries would do a lot more business.

When a guest gets a free birthday dessert no one at the table buys their meal, I usually doubt it was really their birthday. If it really was, I hope they wished for better friends before blowing out the candle.

Closing Saturday night and opening brunch on Sunday presents a unique challenge. Most people working a 9-5 would swear it was illegal for their boss to tell them at the end of their day, “Good job today, see ya back here in 8 hours.”

If you manage to make it past the hostess late in the night without admitting that you only came in for dessert, don’t touch my roll-ups. I will bring a fork out with your dessert. I sometimes want to go all Glengary Glenross on them and shout, “Roll-ups are for diners.”

The bread plate is not a coaster. I see this at least once every couple of shifts. Why do some people think the logical place to put their glass is on their plate?

I know that it is considered good form to tell me that you need separate checks at the beginning of the check. That does not mean, “We need separate checks” is a proper response to, “How are you tonight?”

I have guests occasionally reply to the offer for a drink by stating, “No thanks, I’ll have water.” Water does qualify as a drink. If they don’t know that, it makes me wonder what they intend to do with the water.

Sometimes guests wait until the end of the meal to reach into their purse and pull out the coupon because they are afraid I will give them bad service since they have a coupon. Instead it just guarantees they will get bad service as I have to make them wait while I track down a manager to have it applied to the bill.

A couple came in the restaurant on Easter morning. She was dressed in pastels and wearing a large hat. When they gave me a coupon that said “not valid on holidays” they claimed to not know Easter was considered a holiday. I think they probably needed to return to church after using that line.

This post is much funnier if you imagine Mitch Hedburg saying it on stage.
If I could have any celebrity (alive or dead) wait on me, it would be Andy Kaufman. That would be a hilarious meal.

I am pretty much over trendy restaurants staffing up with great artists that support themselves by being horrible servers. I wonder when an art gallery will open that will sell my terrible art so I can stand around and complain about how I have to have a side gig as an artist because no one appreciates good service.

That’s all for this week. Go check out some part one and part two if you want some more random thoughts. Share some of your own in the comment section if you like. It is time for me to go to wait some tables.

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