Random Thoughts From a Server II

I often wonder aloud why there are so many sequels.  There have to be more great stories to tell than the stories that have already been told.  It seems that every successful movie becomes a franchise and is followed up by three more sequels that aren’t as good as the original.  If you liked the original Waiting, you will love Waiting 8: The Revenge of the Bus Boys.  Andy Milonakis is still available right?

At the same time, when you find a formula that works, you stick with it.  My last Random Thoughts post became the most shared post ever on this blog.  I was slightly overwhelmed.  I apparently am pretty bad at predicting what posts are going to be popular.  I thought that yesterday’s post on how groupons are hurting independent restaurants would be huge.  I was wrong on that one.  So it’s time to go back to what works and yet another assortment of random thoughts from a server.

If you think wine costs too much at restaurants, ask for the price of having the chef, server, and musicians come to the liquor store and serve you the meal there.

Crème Brule is the most boring dessert ever.  Every time I offer a dessert menu and someone says, “Do you have crème brule?” I know why so many great restaurants fail and are replaced by mediocre chains.

The more expensive the wine key, the shorter the time I will have it before losing it.

I always ask guests if they want cream with their coffee.  No matter how many times I do this, I always forget the answer and bring them cream anyway.

Hyper jealous boyfriends who feel I am checking out their date usually think much more highly of their date than I do.

Ladies who will ask for a different knife because it has a water spot on it are often the ones who will drop multiple lemon slices in their water.  Pro tip: one of these things has been sanitized in 180 degree water and it is not that lemon peel.

A table is a square, rectangular, or round piece of furniture where your food and drinks sit while you consume your meal.  If you ask for separate checks, this does not invalidate the portion of the coupon that says, “One per table.”

If your drink order is more than 15 words, the price should double.  I don’t care how they make an Aviator at some bar you read about in a magazine.  If you are that particular about your cocktails, I recommend drinking a beer.

I had a table ask me if our crab cakes had large chunks of crab.  I explained that it would fall apart if they did.  They asked if Gordon Ramsey would approve of them.  I replied, “not in the first half of his show, but in the second half he would.”

I stopped drinking over five years ago.  I have drank countless beers out of plastic cups, pint glasses, and large mugs.  Judging from the 37 different types of beer glasses that bars now carry, I apparently was doing it wrong all along.

Why do most complaints on Yelp not include the manager’s reply when they brought the complaint to their attention?  Is it really more fun to complain on Yelp than to have the problem fixed?

Every server watches the movie Waiting and thinks they are either the Ryan Reynolds or Justin Long character.  I have accepted that in reality I am probably the guy who can’t pee at the restaurant.  The good news is that I was in the sequel.  The bad news is that it is because I am the only one who is not a star.

It has been a long time since I worked at a restaurant that served a family meal at the beginning of the shift.  I never really appreciated it when it was an everyday occurrence.

The 15 minutes you took to order.  The appetizer you ate leisurely before your salads.  The well done filet you sent back to have cooked more.  The 3 minutes it took me to get the groupon taken off (that you didn’t mention having until the end of the meal) and run your credit card.  All of these made your meal take longer.  Three of the four were optional.  The fourth is not the reason you are now late.

The more I wait on people with “real jobs” on their lunch breaks, the less I want one.

Two guests were sitting at a table for four.  Two of the seats were at a booth and the other two were chairs.  They both sat on the booth side.  The lady complained that the booth was too soft and asked if we had anything with a hard back.  I suggested the chairs.  She said she preferred a booth.  We had reached an impasse.

That is all for this week.  If you enjoyed this set of random thoughts, consider sharing it on Facebook.  You might also want to “like” The Hospitality Formula Network on Facebook to keep up on some of the other information that appears on this blog.  Come back next week for a very special celebration featuring “The Best of” all of the sites on this blog.

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4 comments on “Random Thoughts From a Server II

  1. SkippyMom on said:

    Riddle me this – how come EVERY single time I ask for NO lemon with my water or ice tea I still get it. I realize that people forget, but seriously …. leave the lemon off of my drink.

    The water spots on the knife vs. lemon is brilliant tho’. Too true.

    And for the record, imo, “Waiting” was one of the stupidest, over the top, misrepresentations of serving I have ever seen. Then again, I never worked at a chain and I was raised better.

    I hate, hate, hate that movie. And I know you still think I am crazy about the salmon thing – but I served for a long time and that movie exaggerated everything to such an extent that it gave the public a false sense of what they “think” they know. It did a great disservice to the the job of serving.

    The Ramsey gag was perfect. Wish I had the ability to say it back when. I love it.

    • David Hayden on said:

      I would guess it is for the same reason I always bring the cream anyway. If you don’t bring it, it costs you an extra trip. I always do lemons on a side plate. Safe either way and they can determine how to distribute them.

      Waiting is funny in it’s exageration. There is a whole strain of comedy that is based on exagerating stereotypes and preconcieved notions. Unfortunately people will too often take this sort of thing as literal. That is where it becomes dangerous. One of my favorite quotes sums it up nicely. “The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.” -Stephen Hawking

  2. Emily on said:

    But I love Creme Brulee! I don’t have/ shouldn’t have a blow torch at home, so I like to get it when I’m out.

    • David Hayden on said:

      I am not saying that there is anything wrong with ordering creme brulee. My issue is more with people who will only consider dessert if it is creme brulee. If a restaurant has it, then feel free to order it. I swear half the people who ask that have no interest in anything else.

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