Random Thoughts From A Server

A few thoughts from behind the apron

This post is the first in what might be a series.  Occasionally, I have random thoughts that do not merit their own post, but I wish I had a way to share.  This document sits on my computer as a place that I can jot them down.  When it gets long enough to post, I will share it and start another.  These are the random thoughts that cross my mind while writing or end up scribbled on pieces of paper, stuffed in my pockets during a shift, but don’t get run through the dryer.

I think all restrictions on coupons should be written on the kid’s menus instead.  No one ever seems to see the bold faced 14 point font statements that say, “One per table”, “Not valid on Friday or Saturday Night” or “Expires on.”  The same tables always seem to notice that the kid’s meals come with free soda and ice cream even though it is written in 6 point font at the bottom of the menu.

There is a difference between “allergic” and “don’t like.”  Allergic means that it may kill you.  When you use “allergic” in place of “don’t like” it means the chef may kill you.

The same people who claim that serving is an easy job are the ones that make their statement untrue.  The people who understand that it is a hard job are the ones that make it worthwhile.  Likewise, people who demand special treatment rarely deserve it.  The people who deserve it rarely demand it.

I had a guest tell me that charging seven dollars for a baked potato, vegetables, and a salad was an “injustice.”  I dream to someday live in a world so just that this qualified as an injustice.

Mexican bussers are the most intuitive people I have ever met.  No matter how hard I try to fake it, they can always tell when I am upset about something.  Behind the machismo and bravado, they are some of the most sympathetic people I have ever met.

When I ask, “Is there anything else I can get you?” what I really mean is “What is it that you are urgently going to flag me down for in 30 seconds?”

Scientists have determined that it is impossible to serve a cup of coffee hot enough to make anyone over 70 happy.

I pick my nose in the privacy of my own home, but not at a nice restaurant.  Please use the same level of discretion when consuming White Zinfandel.

It does not matter how big or small your desserts are, people will still insist the they cannot eat a whole dessert and that someone must share it with them.

Most guests would be repulsed if they knew how much mayonnaise restaurants used in sauces.  These are the same sauces they are always asking for more of. 

The guests who complain about the price of a soda on a check, usually do so while finishing off their sixth refill.

40% of all grenadine purchased by restaurants goes in kid’s drinks. 50% goes in sodas for bussers, cooks, and dishwashers.  10% goes on my apron making drinks for the two aforementioned groups.

The more expensive a bottle of wine, the more likely it is to drip.  I have never spilt a drop of Moscato or White Zinfandel.

No matter how big the sign above the bathroom is, guests will still need directions.

20 years ago steak knives at restaurants were about the same size as the rest of the silverware.  At current rates a forklift will be required to deliver steak knives to tables in the year 2032.

With the current trend toward egg whites in cocktails, will require elbow reconstructive surgery to be included in restaurant health insurance plans.

I just wrote “restaurant health insurance plans” as if they were not as common as Bigfoot sighting or provided as much coverage as a thong.

I never realized how bad I was at pouring from a pitcher until I worked at a restaurant without carpet.

I’ve never understood flowers on the tables at restaurants.  Either they are too big and in the way or they are too small and just look cheap.

Fathers who worry that everyone in the restaurant is checking out their daughter should probably not have let them leave the house dressed like that.

Rednecks who think I am gay because I am a server make me wish I was better at flirting with men.

Wealth does not equal class.

No matter how much guests annoy me, I am grateful every time I serve someone who chooses to celebrate a special occasion in my section.  These are the tables that make it all worthwhile.  I have many more of them than I do the other type.  I sometimes get cynical, but I hope that I never lose the ability to get sentimental waiting on a couple who is madly in love celebrating their anniversary.

Sometimes serving will shake your faith in humanity, but there are far more good tables than bad.  As long as that is the case, I wouldn’t want to do anything else. 

To be continued…

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6 comments on “Random Thoughts From A Server

  1. Pren on said:

    God I loved this post. I laughed till I cried. Oh god the coffee! Truth! Thanks for this.

  2. The Restaurant Manager on said:

    GREAT POST! My favorite thought: “Scientists have determined that it is impossible to serve a cup of coffee hot enough to make anyone over 70 happy.”

  3. SkippyMom on said:

    Wonderful post and too, too true! 😀

    I loved them all but the first three were my favorite!

    And did someone really say that about the 7 dollars for a salad, baked potato and vegetables. What, so now were supposed to give vegetarians their meals for free too?

    Nicely done post. More, more, more please!

    • David Hayden on said:

      I really try to avoid writing about specific guests. Not my thing. In this case though, it is a completely true story. She wanted a lobster tail as her meal. We offer it as an add-on on the menu directly below some special sauces and preparations. She thought since she ordered it at the add-on price it would come with sides and a salad. No amount of explanation would work to convince her this was incorrect. The owner even pointed out that the $3 sauce additions would not include sides and a salad. Still didn’t work. Two things I learned. 1) never underestimate someone’s inability to understand logic that disagrees with them and 2) I really really like working for an owner that will say that to them.

  4. Stephanie on said:

    The allergic and dislike thing is so true, the amount of times we’ve had to ask the duty manager to get the allergy book out to see if a meal contains something and when we’ve found it the person say’s oh it doesn’t really matter I just don’t like that [ingredient here]. Garh!

  5. Trevor h. on said:

    The comment about Grenadine is so true. Really happy I found this network of sites.

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