Welcome back to the internet’s favorite weekly contest (on this blog) showcasing the strangest stories occurring in restaurants from around the world. I’m your host, Dave Hayden, and I have diligently searched newsfeeds, public access television, and even some of your phone lines (thanks Patriot Act) to bring you this week’s top stories from restaurants around the world. As always the stories will be added to our scoreboard to see which region can officially claim the title of bull goose loony of the restaurant world. This week was full of entertainment from around the country. Today we will even introduce a new feature at the end of the post. Let’s meet today’s qualifiers.
We begin with South Carolina where the Democratic Nominee/ Republican Plant for US Senate, Alvin Greene, was kicked out of a restaurant hosting a county Democratic meeting. I am not sure it bodes well for Mr. Greene’s primary chances. (Columbia, SC)
Here is another story of theft from a pizza place. Last week it was over 100 pizza pans. This week it is $2000 in food from a Little Caesars. Even at full price that is approximately 500 pizzas. I hope she has a walk-in cooler at home. (Denver, CO)
At first glance this looked like a basic building code violation story about a bar in Wheeling, WV that built a wall without permission. It wasn’t until I read the whole story that I saw the humor. First, the argument that a five foot wall will block noise makes me laugh. Second, the argument that the owners don’t speak English well ignores the fact that we are talking about Wheeling, WV where no one speaks English well. (Wheeling, WV)
After receiving over 100 parking tickets for being illegally parked in a loading zone outside her restaurant in Pittsburgh, Brenda “Big Mama” Franklin is closing the doors. She feels the parking police are targeting her and preventing her from making a living. Her solution? Move the restaurant to Washington, DC. Which makes sense because parking in Washington is about as easy as leaving your car overnight in the passenger pickup lane at LAX. (Pittsburgh, PA)
Stealing pizza pans and Little Caesars ingredients would not generally be pinned on Kaiser Soze. However, those thieves seem downright brilliant compared to the grease bandits targeting fast food restaurants down in the land of Bush. This leads me to a new feature I am calling pick your own punchline. A) “The crooks at night are not so bright (stomp stomp stomp stomp) deep in the heart of Texas.” B) “Down in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a fast food grease trap.” C) “First they took our jobs and now they are coming for our grease (rabble rabble).” (El Paso, TX)
Years of roller skating car hops takes it’s toll on one Sonic parking lot. (Cleveland, GA)
Man drives car into restaurant. Eh, mildly amusing. Hostess sitting nearby. Maybe it gets included. Outraged patron in comment section stating that such incidents are common and something must be done. Welcome to the list. (Tyler, TX)
Claim Jumpers is one of those places where the portions are huge. The food is mediocre, but the portions are huge. So huge that a condom could go unnoticed. So mediocre that it was the tastiest part of the meal. (Santa Ana, CA)
When deciding to rob a restaurant, avoid retirement communities. My favorite line of the article is, “Gene Espey, treasurer of the Dreamland Community Club, said the community center made a poor target because the senior members pay by check and no money is kept on hand.” This also makes it the last restaurant in America to take checks. No worries though the restaurant will still have it’s reopening party on schedule. Which is why their slogan remains, “There ain’t no party like a Dreamland Villa party because a Dreamland Villa party don’t stop… until 6:45 when they make last call on Chablis.” (Mesa, AZ)
An employee who tries to prevent co-worker who dropped bacon on the floor from placing it on customers sandwich is a hero. Unless, he does so by pulling a knife on said co-worker. (Hartford, CT)
I have no problem with cross dressers. However if you cross dress while robbing a restaurant and already have two strikes on your record, you might want to keep the mugshots from getting to your future cellmate. (New Orleans, LA)
Japanese anime scares residents of Phoenix. I mean she is no Jessica Rabbit, but they call this ad overly sexual. She is also has a cartoon gun which will lead our kids to violence. Much like Elmer Fudd lead me to become a serial killer. If Elmer is reading this, Phoenix would be a good place to look because I hear Bugs bunny took a wrong turn in Albuquerque. (Phoenix, AZ)
That is all the domestic restaurant randomness I could find this week. A quick tally and our running cumulative scoreboard looks something like this:
The Mountain region made a big debut this week. It still wasn’t enough to take the lead though. The Texas/Louisiana combo had a strong showing, but is still just in second place. Remaining in the lead for the second straight week is the South Atlantic region. East and West North Central regions, you disappoint.
The new feature this week is a bonus round I am calling “The US vs The World.” Each week I will pick one international story and see if the world can beat the top American story of the week.
This week the world is represented by Germany. A restaurant named Flime will open next month in Berlin. It’s gimmick? Serving human flesh. It has proven difficult to obtain through Das Sysco so they have done the only logical thing. Ask for donations online. (Berlin, Germany)
Sorry guys. US: 0 World: 1. As jingoistic as I want to be, we just can’t compete with cannibalistic Germans. They won this round, but we can come back. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no and it ain’t over now. So get a little wacky out there this week and send me links. Especially, if you live in the North Central regions because you all are looking mighty sane right about now.